Grief Archives | Nevada Caregivers

Everyone experiences grief in his or her life. All of us lose friends and family and it is a heavy task for every one of us. Our best advice is that everyone who grieves show themselves compassion by allowing themselves the time and space to process it all. While grief is inevitable, please remember that processing it is essential for your wellbeing. Grief is a time where you are allowed to protect time for yourself.

Caregivers already have a tendency of putting themselves second to the person they are caring for. Being a caregiver and going through grief at the same time presents more challenges because both require time to heal.

Grady is not new to the world of caregiving. He served as Washoe County Senior Services Director. He was responsible for developing the county’s Master Plan for Aging Services, which encompasses 12 goals on improvements of services for seniors. In 2015, he introduced the idea of creating the Caregiver Support Initiative, when the Community Foundation of Northern Nevada was seeking ideas for their second initiative.

He also knows first-hand what it’s like to juggle being a family caregiver and allowing himself the space to grieve. At one point, he was a caregiver to his brother, mother-in-law and his wife. He said that when he was caregiving for his brother, he already felt a sense of loss, because he knew that his brother was at the end of his life.

He also cared for his mother-in-law at the same time his wife unexpectedly suffered a heart attack. He had to care for both. Not surprisingly, he felt an immense amount of pressure and worry about them while he also continued as their caregiver.

“I am fortunate to have friends,” he said. “They helped me through this.” When he was not tending to his caregiving duties, he said he surrounded himself with people who knew what grief was and had often experienced it themselves. And, when Grady was diagnosed with cancer, he decided to find friends who could relate to him. His informal support group was comprised of people who had cancer or were cancer survivors. “We talked a lot and shared everything. In spite of what you may have heard, men are willing to share and support one another.” He said it was very helpful being around people who truly understood him.

Grady advises caregivers to look out for themselves during critical times:

“My advice to caregivers is to reach out. Create your own support group of people who know what you are going through on a personal level. Figure out how you can take breaks from caregiving from time to time to catch your breath. As far as grief goes, it is something you can’t fix, but something you can go through. Take that time for yourself, and allow your life to change. And get away for a bit, even if that means just mowing your lawn. If you don’t, you will wear yourself out”.

If you don’t have the time to seek support groups, you can always form your own support group. Sometimes, you just need one or two friends you can confide in. Seek friends who know what loss feels like when you are processing the death of a loved one. Grieving is not something we want to do but it is a part of life. Having compassion for ourselves and towards other people in grief is crucial at this time. Lastly, enjoy your time with family and friends. Those moments are what we will all have to experience ourselves someday.”

Click here for more information on bereavement groups.

Click here for more information on support groups, or call the Community Foundation at 775-333-5499.

You can also check out Solacetree.org for grief support.

Grady Tarbutton, former Washoe County Senior Services Director
Interview by Luiza Benisano

The dictionary defines grief as, “Deep sorrow, especially that is caused by someone’s death.”

“Grief never ends, but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith, it is the price of love.” – Author unknown

People grieve in many different ways. Although I can’t think of nothing worse than losing a child, especially an adult child. A friend who lost a daughter several years ago, brings her loss into every conversation, which makes those around her extremely uncomfortable. She is so absorbed in her grief that she does not see what she is doing to her own life.

Many caregivers say goodbye to family members long before their actual death. Another friend of mine cared for her husband at home for five years after he went into a fetal stage with Alzheimer’s. With his Alzheimer’s, it impeded his ability to communicate. When he died, she said that she had already done her grieving for her husband years before his death. She was glad to be able to face life again without the stress of caring for someone who was no longer aware of the world around him.

These are just two of many stories about how grief affects people, especially those who have been caregivers. Others steep themselves in grieving, losing sight of the fact that they are individuals with a life ahead of them. Others hide their grief, making themselves ill to the point of their own deaths. Then, there are those that throw themselves into a sexual relationship as a way to overcome grief, and often wind up deeply regretting their action.

The loss of a loved one sets you aside for a time, as people give you time to grieve. A person is far healthier when they can recognize that grief is normal. The one you are missing from your life would want you to continue on with your life, continuing projects started together, sharing memories made during your lifetime together, and finding new ways to be actively involved with your family and your community.

People who volunteer are far healthier and more content with their lives than those who continue to carry grief with them as a burden. Joining the Caregiver’s Initiative after my husband’s death added new purpose to my life, and I have made new friends along the way.

Continuing on with normal activities while caregiving, ones that you pursued prior to when caregiving absorbed most of your time, is vitally important to your health and happiness after the one you are caring for dies. During my husband’s long decline, I continued my normal activities as much as possible. Respite care made that possible. As a physician, my husband counseled many caregivers. Two points he insisted on was that the caregivers continue their normal activities as much as possible, and that they take care of their own health.

Learning to be a single person again was not easy. The loss of my partner of 64 years was a loss I could not imagine. However, I knew that that he would want me to live a good life as much as possible, as long as possible. Helping others to get over the intense waves of grief that come at odd times, sometimes with tears streaming down in the middle of a grocery store, has made my own grief become more bearable.

Bereavement counseling helps, as do grief sessions. Many churches and even hospitals provide these sessions. Each time we share a memory, it adds to the fullness of our lives. Each moment with a child, family member or close friend reminds us of the times when we were all younger together. Each moment of sharing laughter or tears, is a way to make grief more bearable. In time, grief diminishes, but it is always there.

There are times when I am surprised by the pure joy of a moment and wish I could share it with my husband, but then I look at that joy as a gift that makes life easier without him and then I go on with my own life.

Jean Myles

Tag: Grief

Grief while Caregiving

GRIEF AND GRIEVING FROM A PERSONAL VIEWPOINT